My Secret Confession: I was a Bad Mom and Realized I Needed Help

As a women I thought I wanted a house full of children, now that I have four I'm revising my thinking. The last year of our lives have been miserable. As a parents our job is to make sure that our children are safe, healthy and teach them morals like kindness and how to treat others. The last child I gave birth to seem to be a screamer from the very second he took his first breathe the day he was born. He never seemed to be happy, always uncomfortable, always crying. Late night rocking, hallway walks, never sitting, always standing, and still not getting more than two hours of sleep at a time. All this together was making me loose my mind and putting a stress on our marriage.

I became very depressed and started neglecting my other children. I seemed to run like a robot, without sleep, sad, and very short tempered. My days seemed to run from one to the next. Every day the same. The screaming wouldn't stop and sometimes it was me. Then I realized I have 3 other children. Do I remember being a mom to them? Did I give baths, read stories, tickle and chase them through the house? No. I was a bad mommy. It wasn't until last month I noticed that my patience has been short, my yelling constantly, forgetting to give hugs and kisses. Laundry piled high, the dishes in the sink, the dirty floor. I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I needed help. I thought about Valium and getting help from a doctor. I wanted to talk to my mom, my husband, my friends in the real world and on the net, but I was too embarrassed. What would they think of me? The last few weeks I've made changes. I share my feelings, I'm changing the absent roll that I took with my children and husband. I'm trying to be a mommy and wife that they can be proud of and want to spend time with. I don't want my children to remember the last year that I wasn't there for them. I want to make a difference in their lives and let them know mommy lost her way but now she's back.

My husband and I have become strangers. Barely talking about the good only the bad. We need something to change the pattern we've fallen into. We need a Vacation away from home, away from the everyday madness.

I'm hoping to take my family on a trip to Walt Disney World to fill their memories of mom with good ones instead of the bad one's I've created for the last year when Mommy wasn't emotionally or physically available. I now give hugs and kisses every day and let my children know I cherish them. I believe Disney is a magical place where girls can be princesses and boys can be race car drivers. Daddy's can be Fun and Mommy's can make you feel loved again.